It's now Monday morning so I am no longer tired, but weekends are really tough for me. I only work 3 days a week but I work really long shifts and I work 3rd shift so it seems I'm always tired on the weekends - even when I do get to sleep some.
Being tired is really not good for me. At all. It makes it hard for me to endure church on Sunday (I work a 14 hour shift and get off an hour before I have to teach an adult Sunday School class and then go to morning worship service). Even when the preaching is good I still have so much trouble listening. I get sleepy or my mind wanders. Usually the music touches me, but that's probably because most songs are only a few minutes long - about the length of my attention span.
The biggest problem for me though is that being tired makes me really sink into self-hatred. Self-acceptance is my biggest struggle in life and beign tired just makes matters worse. By Sunday night I don't like who I am inside or out much at all.
That presents yet another problem. When I'm feeling so crummy I need extra assurance from people that "I"m OK". But Sundays are usually the lonlinest day of the week. At church people either gather with their usual group of friends and I always feel like an intruder if I attempt to join them. What usually happens though is that there is someone there who needs something from me and I get cornered by a needy person at a time when I have little to give. Unfortunately, because I am a pastor's wife, that is when I'm supposed to have everything to give. I'm supposed to be at my best on Sunday, and that is when I'm at my very worst.
I've identified the problem but I have no idea what to do about it. I can't quit my job - not for at least another year. And switching shifts is out of the question too since all the other shifts are filled with people who have been there longer than I have been. Besides, there really is not a 1st shift anyway, and if I did work 2nd shift I would literally never see my family and that's something I'm not willing to do. I do like my job. It fits me pretty well. But I really hate the hours I work and there just isn't a simply solution to that.
So, today is a day to recover - in all senses of the word. I've already slept late so next on my agenda is to go grab a second cup of coffee and then read some in my Bible.