Not really, but I sure do think so sometimes. I find that when I am focused on myself is when I'm the most miserable.
Yesterday was a tough day for me.
First off I started the day tired. The weekend work schedule always leaves me exhausted but normally I rest up on Saturday night. Not so this weekend. It sure seemed like all Saturday night I kept waking up every 5 min. It was frustrating. I kept being bugged by why I was waking up every 5 min. when I really needed to sleep. Then I realized the reason I kept waking up - my alarm was going off and I was unconsiously hitting the snooze button. Not a good sign.
Then I taught class (The Micah 6:8 Group -, otherwise known as Sunday school (I hate that title). That was OK. Nothing great, nothing horrible, just OK.
Sunday afternoon we had a team meeting for the Pine Ridge team. THAT wore me out. I was tired to begin with but when I have to teach and do a meeting all in the same day it drains me. I'm not as mentally sharp as I used to be and keeping all that information in my head and ready to use is just taxing. I found myself talking about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and the mental handicaps it causes and sounding pretty mentally handicapped myself. (There are some funny pics over on the Pine Ridge blog of the team building exercise we did)
At the end of a day like that I come home and want to crawl off and die somewhere. I can easily slip into depression and self-hatred. I get so tired of hearing myself talk. Although I've not found another way around it, doing ministry can really take a chunk out of you. I fell asleep and tried to forget the day.
Today I woke up a little later than usual and began making my "list" of to do's for the week and was glad it was a new day. I still feel a bit hung over from the weekend but once I get my butt in gear it'll be OK.
It occured to me at some point this morning that perhaps the reason I get so down after a day like yesterday is that it is too full of me. Not just the talking, teaching, leading meeting part, but after it's all over I tend to wallow in self. I think about how bad I feel and how stupid I sounded, and all the dumb mistakes I made, and how fat I look and on and on it goes. It's all about me. Focusing on myself so much is a pretty depressing thing. So enough of that. I may well be less than perfect, but none of it's about me anyway so why waste time thinking about poor, poor me.